Liz Lemon, head writer of the sketch comedy show "TGS with Tracy Jordan", must deal with an arrogant new boss and a crazy new star, all while trying to run a successful TV show without losing her mind.
Liz Lemon: Why are you wearing a tux? Jack: It's after 6 o'clock Lemon. What am I, a farmer?
Jack: Lemon, I'm impressed. You're beginning to think like a businessman. Liz Lemon: A businesswoman. Jack: I don't think that's a word.
Angie Jordan: My single "My Single is Dropping" is dropping.
Dr. Leo Spaceman: Boy, it's crazy to think we used to settle questions of paternity by dunking a woman in water until she admitted she made it all up. Different time, the '60s.
Jack: All of my summer replacement shows were big hits: "America's Next Top Pirate", "Are You Stronger Than a Dog?", "MILF Island"... Liz Lemon: "MILF Island"? Jack: Twenty-five super-hot moms, 50 eighth-grade boys, no rules. Liz Lemon: Oh yeah, didn't one of those women turn out to be a prostitute? Jack: That doesn't mean she's not a wonderful, caring MILF.
Liz Lemon: Hey, nerds! Who has two thumbs, speaks limited French and hasn't cried once today? This moi.
Jack: Look how Greenzo's testing! They love him in every demographic: colored people, broads, fairies, commies. Gosh, we gotta update these forms.
Tracy Jordan: So what's your religion, Liz Lemon? Liz Lemon: I pretty much do whatever Oprah tells me to do
[repeated line] Liz Lemon: I want to go to there.
Kenneth Parcell: Science was my most favorite subject, especially the Old Testament.
Jack: Have you ever considered becoming the celebrity face of the Republican Party? Tracy Jordan: What? Hell no! Black people supporting Republicans? Does hot support cold? Does rain support the Earth? Jack: Now, that mis-perception is precisely why the GOP needs better celebrities. And a black celebrity, such as yourself, would really make us look good. Now, do you like lower taxes? Tracy Jordan: If I paid taxes, I sure would. Jack: How about gun ownership? Tracy Jordan: Go on. Jack: States' rights? Tracy Jordan: I love states' rights! Jack: And, let none of us forget that the GOP is the party of Lincoln. Tracy Jordan: Lincoln was a Republican? Dot Com: Actually, today's Republican Party would be unrecognizable to Lincoln. He fought a war to preserve federal authority over the states. That's not exactly small government. Jack: Dot Com, this need you have to be the smartest guy in the room is... off-putting. Dot Com: I guess that's why I'm still single.
Tracy Jordan: Here's some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age.Live every week like it's Shark Week.
Tracy Jordan: I'm whipped! Angie got me up at 7:30 today. Did you know that in the morning, they have food, TV, almost everything. It's pretty good.
Liz Lemon: [Liz is calling a co-op board and getting more drunk] [10: 20 PM] Liz Lemon: Hey, it's Liz Lemon. This message is for the co-op board, I guess This is the number you gave me, I hope it's not fake. 'Cause you accepted my bid and I haven't heard from you. But I'm doing great. I bought a German television studio today. Liz Lemon: [10:55 PM] Does everyone know that you're a bunch of liars or should I tell them myself, because I know a lot of people. Liz Lemon: [11:14 PM] You know what? I'm fine. Because I know who I am. You, I feel sorry for you, co-op board Liz Lemon: [12:01 AM] [Liz is on the floor of her bathroom] Liz Lemon: I AM GOING TO THE HOSPITAL! AND I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY! Liz Lemon: [12:03 AM] I'm just confused. It seems weird to me that you would still be advertising the apartment after you accepted my offer. Liz Lemon: [2:15 AM] [Liz is singing] Liz Lemon: And I'm here to remind you... Liz Lemon: [7:00 AM] You know what? I've moved on. I bought a whole bunch of apartments. I bought a black apartment.
[repeated line] Jack: Good God Lemon!
Jenna Maroney: You look like that flashcard they told me means sadness.
Kenneth Parcell: It's like my heart is trying to hug my brain!
Tracy Jordan: I love this cornbread so much I want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant
Tracy Jordan: Stop eating people's old french fries, pigeon! Have some self respect! Don't you know you can fly?
Jack: We are lovers. Liz Lemon: That word bums me out unless it's between the words "meat" and "pizza".
Dr. Leo Spaceman: Erectile dysfunction: it's not just a dog problem anymore.
[repeated line] Liz Lemon: What the what?
[repeated line] Liz Lemon: Blurg.
Liz Lemon: Jay Z was right about New York. Concrete bunghole where dreams are made up, there's nothing you can do.
Jack: I'm not a creative type like you, with your work sneakers and left-handedness.
Liz Lemon: You wanna party? It's $500 for kissing and $10,000 for snuggling. End of list.
Bucky Bright: Boy, 30 Rock. Stories I could tell about this plays. Eh, nobody wants to listen to me anymore. Kenneth Parcell: Oh, Mr. Bright, I would love to hear about the good old days. Bucky Bright: Well, it was different back then, I'll tell you. Yes, sir, boy, they were classy. Yeah. Yeah, it was. We didn't have any of those shirts with words on them or dungarees or anything like that. No, sirree. Men came to work in ties and hats. Kenneth Parcell: That's so elegant. Bucky Bright: And you had tailor-made suits and a little place here for a little carnation in your lapel. And an inside monogrammed pocket, you know, for your opium pipe and your switchblade.
Jack: Lemon, I would like to teach you something. I would like to be Michelle Pfeiffer to your angry black kid who learns that poetry is just another way to rap
Tracy Jordan: What did I tell you was the secret to having a good marriage and keeping it together, Kenneth? Kenneth Parcell: Be a good listener, a giver of gifts and work that va-jay-jay.
Tracy Jordan: Liz Lemon! I can't believe they put what you said in the paper. Liz Lemon: Shh! How do you know about that? [Liz looks at Tracy's newspaper] Liz Lemon: This is a "Cathy" cartoon. Tracy Jordan: Yeah, that cartoon copied exactly what you said the other day. Liz Lemon: [Flashback to Liz] Chocolate! Chocolate! Chocolate! Aack!
Tracy Jordan: I learned fried chicken at the school of hard knocks.
Angie Jordan: It's my way 'til payday
Liz Lemon: [singing] Workin' on my night cheese!
Liz Lemon: Where's my sandwich?
Liz Lemon: Shut it down, dealbreaker!
Liz Lemon: I know who I am. I know I'm not the funnest person in the group. I'm not the one you call when you want to go clubbing on the town and party dance all night. Jack: Why are you speaking like a Persian immigrant?
Jack: I like you. You have the boldness of a much younger woman.
Jack: Never go with a hippie to a second location.
Jenna Maroney: Do you need a sex tape release? Because I've got a weird one. It's night vision and you can see that his buddy is robbing me.
Jack: Factories provide three things this country desperately needs: jobs, pride, and material for Bruce Springsteen songs.
Abby Flynn: I'm a very sexy baby.
Pete: [Tending to one of three cast members who have been rendered unfilmable for that week's episode] Liz Taylor really messed him up! He might have brain damage. Liz Lemon: God. Maybe the musical guest can do some extra songs this week. Who is it? Pete: James Blunt. Liz Lemon: Ugghh.
Dr. Leo Spaceman: If you want the shot... you're going to have to dance for it.
Colleen Donaghy: Tell him that his mother's here. And she loves him. But not in a queer way.
Jenna Maroney: The Kids Choice Awards? Fine, I'll set aside my feud with Raven-Symone for one day... but she knows what she did.
[repeated line] Dennis Duffy: Hey dummy.
[repeated line] Pete: Yes, Hornberger!
Jack: Let's do it. Let's move here. We'll get a little cabin in the woods. Celeste Cunningham: I'll plant heirloom tomatoes, we'll ride our bikes into town. Jack: I'll grow a beard. People from my old life will pass us through town and won't even recognize me, they'll just say, "Thanks, Pap," and then they'll buy some of my cider. [Jack's cell phone rings] Celeste Cunningham: Ugh, the real world calling. [Jack throws his cell phone into the pond] Celeste Cunningham: Oh, my god! [C.C. throws her cell phone too] Jack: [shouts] I'M IN LOOOOVE! Coal Miner: God, I wish this town weren't halfway between DC and New York.
Tracy Jordan: I am a Jedi! I am a Jedi! I am a Jedi!
Liz Lemon: [singing] I'm a star! I'm on top! Somebody bring me some ham!